Settling

It's hard to believe, but tomorrow will mark two full weeks since the practice period began.  It has felt like the typical whirlwind of activity that starts a practice period.  There's little time to process or worry about what we are getting into.  We just jump in, and try to take each ceremony, each activity, each period of sitting as the completeness of our life, as what is happening now.  We try to give it our care and attention, and try not to get too far ahead of ourselves.  I think the schedule is designed to help us with this.  The first Saturday we had an all-day sitting, from 5:15 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.  It was open to the general public as well as the local practice period participants.  Sitting in the pre-sunrise dark of the zendo with 80 or so others, I was kind of in awe of just how quiet and still such a large group of people can be.  It was heartwarming.  There is so much activity, busyness, and noise to our city lives sometimes, and yet here we were filling every seat in this vast room, and it was really silent.

Last Wednesday I was officially installed as the Shuso for the practice period in a ceremony in the zendo, after morning sitting.  It is a completely scripted ceremony, and very japanese, I'd almost call it stilted :).  And yet it is also what you make of it.  What i admire about Paul as a teacher, is he always brings the fullness of his practice to these moments, something playful in him shines through the stilted script.  At one point as I repeated my lines about not being ready/ worthy of this role, he said something fresh about how when we step forward the universe, the moment, steps forward to embrace and support us.  I felt his trust, both in me, and in his own experience of practice, and I smiled.  Also, an old friend of mine here recently gave birth to son, who i had not yet met.  And in the midst of reciting one of my lines to Paul, I heard a baby chortle, and knew they were in the room.  That brought a smile too.

That evening I gave the public Wednesday night talk here for the first time.  For those in the online practice period, the link to the audio should now be available on the website.  It was a "way-seeking mind talk" and so I shared my thoughts on how it is that i ended up in this practice life, and just how we get to see or conceive of our "way-seeking mind."  A further thought on this came to me this morning as I was reading Dogen's, Continuous Practice.  In the passage that follows he speaks directly on the relationship between "continous or sustained practice" and "aspiration or 'way-seeking mind.;":
"The effects of such continuous practice is sometimes not hidden.  Therefore you aspire to practice.  The effect is sometimes not apparent.  Therefore you may not see, hear, or know it.  You should understand that although it is not revealed, it is not hidden."

So, sometimes we feel, notice, and are inspired by our way-seeking mind, our mind of connection.  And sometimes it feels like it is not there, no longer apparent, and we feel lost.  But even then it is not "hidden," Dogen encourages us.  So then what is happening when it feels like we are disconnected from it?  He continues:
"As it is not stained by what is hidden, apparent, existent, or not existent, you may not notice the causal conditions that led you to be engaged in the practice that actualizes you at this very moment of unknowing. The reason you don't see it is that becoming conscious of it is not anything remarkable.  You should investigate in detail that it is so because the causal conditions [the aspiration - or 'way-seeking' mind] is no other than continuous practice, but continuous practice is not limited by the causal condition."

What our aspiration or way-seeking mind is, is so intertwined with this larger aspect of "continuous practice" or the practice of the universe, that sometimes we are not able to differentiate the two as separate.  This is such a hopeful reading of our moments of being lost it astounds me.  But it also inspires me.  In it I feel Dogen's great faith in the okayness of everything, that everything is truly alright, truly acceptable, even feeling lost.  Plus, I love the phrasing that this larger aspect of continuous practice is actually working on us, through us, even "at this very moment of unknowing."  What we don't understand, is not hindered by our not understanding.  Ha!  What a relief!

Anyway, the ceremonies and talks are not coming so fast and furious now, and I can feel myself settling into the rhythm of daily life here.  I hope to start writing here every other day or so, and sharing with you more of what is going on here.  Please feel free to send me any feedback about what you would like to hear about.
In Gassho,

-Tim